I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
