he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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