chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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