good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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