Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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