I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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