Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
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Oh Jesus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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