I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
