i already hear my dad disowning me
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
