Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
