fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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