Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
