I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
