he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
