Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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