just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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