i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
