On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
