You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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