first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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