i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
