There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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