I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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