By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
