grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk is not a location!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
