We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
