I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
