I cut my penus on the lid.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
