this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
