my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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