I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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