It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize