I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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