I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
