There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
