I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
