Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
