he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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