Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
