apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
