I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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