if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
