Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Randomize
