I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize