I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
