dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
