I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
