you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize