The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
