Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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