textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
