i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
