false alarm. still invincible.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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