I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
