If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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