The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
