Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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