Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
