Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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